The assignment I chose was my NaNoWriMo Excerpt called Trapped At Disney. I chose this assignment because I was not very proud of it. All of the spelling a grammatical errors made me very upset. With this assignment I am showing off quotations and editing skills.
Trapped At Disney
Night finally rolled in and they were tired, lost, cold and hungry. They settled right next to the “R’s 2” ride. They didn’t look at it, but they would soon regret it.
“Fireball,” whispered Tim, “wake up!”
Fireball rolled closer and closer to the control panel, snoring all the way.
“Fireball,” exclaimed Tim, “get up!”
Fireball rolled over, hitting the green button on the control panel. Kachow! The R’s 2 ride was on. A red race car sped right next to them at about ninety mile per hour. They hopped off of the track of the ride, dodging a speeding rusty tow truck. Tim realized that they were slowly leaving the control panel, but they needed to turn the ride off.
“I shall use the force,” shouted Tim.
He held up a cupped hand and focused on the red off button. Nothing.
Tim dropped his hand and yelled, “Accio control panel!”
Nothing! He realized what he must make Fireball do. Tim pushed Fireball on the track and told her to push the red button on the control panel. She raced past the tow truck and skipped alongside the red race car.
When she got to the control panel, She saw two red buttons. One was shiny and had a smiley face on it. The other one was dark red and ugly. Fireball chose the button that was most appealing to her.
“What could go wrong with a smiley face button,” Fireball asked herself.
BOOM!
The ride had self-destructed. Pieces of scrap metal from the cars had shot everywhere. The setting had been blown into a billion small chunks, flying wherever they could. Fireball was screaming for Tim, but all that she could hear was ringing. Fireball began to climb the ruins of R’s 2, when she noticed Tim’s shoe sticking out of the pile of metal. Fireball started a mad sprint toward the shoe, but all she could focus on was ringing in her ears. Suddenly the ringing stopped and the sky went black.
Out of no where, Fireball smelled something. Cupcakes! She completely forgot about the shoe and prioritized her stomach as number one.
Suddenly, a boulder flies and hits Fireball in the back of the head. Clunk! Fireball tipped over and hit the ground, unconscious.
Hello, I am Taryn Yaggie, a 7th grade student at Dewitt Middle School. Compared to last year, I am a much better writer and english student. I improved a lot this year in many ways. I used to forget to put quotation marks and misspelled a lot. Now I am a great speller and have decent grammar.
Which Disney? It really, really matters.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have a problem with the names. Fireball? FIREBALL? No no no.
Overall, I thought the piece was good. But, I felt a little lost in the action scenes. It felt a little rushed. I think you should expand on the details. However, the character thinking and other pieces were good.
Seoky's Grade: Pi/Pi + 0.2. Or, 94.01483003....... Oh, and do not forget the parenthesis. Put it between pi and plus 0.2 or the equation will not work.
Good job Taryn! I liked it! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat Job! I thought your writing was very interesting. I especially liked the names you gave your characters, like Fireball. Reading it was very interesting, it made me want to read more, once again, good job! -Lena Wu
ReplyDeleteTaryn, this was honestly really well written. Your word choices to describe the scenes and sounds made your writing very interesting and intriguing. This was a really well done job!
ReplyDelete