The Piece:
It was a normal boring day at school until 7th period I was working on my coaster and then boom a brown out. Mr. Walters room’s lights went out fully except a tiny bit of light flickering. It was pretty creepy because right when the brown out happened most kids went into the hallway to see what was going on in the hallways and when the we looked into the auditorium and some chairs where flipped. Then not long after that the bell rang and i started going to English and when i got to the long locker hallway there was pretty much no light there. Then when i got to English there was working lights in the room and then the day went pretty normal from that point and on.
Why I chose this:
I chose a pretty old slice of life for my final English exam I chose this piece because I thought this was a good slice of life. Also it had some editing to do. Plus i just like this slice of life so yeah that's why i chose this piece of writing for the final exam.
About The Author:
My name is Vladislav V. As a student I'm good at finishing my work and doing a good job on it. As a English student I think my writing has really improved sense last year. Over all I think I really improved in English class.
This is good but there are a lot of run-on sentences that you might want to fix, and just like genral GUEMS stuf, you know the drill, but overall you did pretty well on this, so feel good about it, but just remember not to do any run-on sentences in the future, OK?
ReplyDeleteFirst I will like to say this is one hundred thirty one words, which is one hundred nineteen less than the minimum. Fix it, dude.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, as Justin said (and who respects his opinions let's just copy him) I think the GUMS need to be fixed, like "i" or run on sentences, but I thought it was good. Maybe you can add to it, like touch, feelings... I don't know... some kind of emotion. Slice of Lifes have to scream feelings.
Seoky's Grade: 2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2.
You figure that out.
I thought this piece didn't have any emotions is the sentences and needed to make the reader feel what you were feeling at that time. For the "Why I chose this", you said "This is a pretty old piece" which made me feel like you didn't really know when you wrote this. So there are a few GUMS errors and not very any details, but other than that it's a pretty good piece.
ReplyDelete